He can't keep getting away with it

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Read more from the original author:
Miriann – Medium

I have been thinking about how we sometimes complain about people’s behaviour without realizing that, in some ways, we have made it very easy for them to continue behaving that way.

Not because we made them who they are. They are still responsible for themselves and their choices. But sometimes, we make it so comfortable for people to remain exactly as they are.

Think about it.

Someone is always late, but you keep waiting.

Someone never helps around the house, but you keep doing everything because, “It’s easier if I just do it myself.”

Someone is terrible with money, but you keep bailing them out.

A colleague keeps doing the bare minimum, but you keep covering for them because you don’t want the work to suffer.

A friend only calls when they need something, and somehow, you’re always available.

Then one day, you’re exhausted and wondering, “Why does this person keep doing this?”

Maybe because they have learnt that they can.

I don’t think most of us consciously decide to enable people. Sometimes we’re genuinely trying to help. Sometimes we don’t want conflict. Sometimes we are trying to be patient. Sometimes, if we’re being honest, we just don’t know how to say no.

And sometimes, we actually like being needed.

You become the responsible one.

The dependable one.

The one who can handle things.

The one everyone calls when something needs fixing.

At first, you don’t mind. You might even take pride in it.

Until you realize that everybody has gotten used to you being the solution.

This happens a lot in relationships.

You notice that your partner isn’t taking initiative, so you start doing more.

You make the plans.

You remember everything.

You solve the problems.

You remind them.

You pick up the slack.

You keep telling yourself, “It’s fine.”

Until it isn’t.

And now you’re angry that they don’t do anything.

But did they ever really have to?

If every time they dropped the ball, you picked it up, when exactly were they going to feel the weight of dropping it?

I think we sometimes confuse being understanding with constantly making excuses for people.

We confuse helping with carrying.

We confuse love with making sure someone never has to experience the consequences of their choices.

And I’m not saying people only change when we make their lives difficult. That’s not the point.

The point is that sometimes, our constant rescuing removes the very discomfort that would have forced them to take responsibility.

If I keep doing your part because I don’t want you to struggle, eventually, your struggle becomes my responsibility.

And why would you learn to do something you know someone else will always do?

This applies beyond relationships too.

At work.

In friendships.

With family.

Even with our children.

Sometimes we do things for people because it is faster than teaching them. We keep giving money because saying no feels cruel. We keep fixing problems because watching someone struggle makes us uncomfortable.

But people need room to experience the results of their decisions.

Not every consequence is cruelty.

Sometimes, it is simply life teaching a lesson we were too busy protecting them from.

And maybe that is something we need to examine in ourselves.

Are we actually helping this person?

Or are we just making it possible for them to stay the same?

Because there is a difference.

You can love someone and still let them carry what belongs to them.

You can care about someone and still say, “I can’t keep doing this for you.”

You can be kind without making yourself responsible for another adult’s life.

And maybe sometimes, stepping back isn’t abandonment.

Maybe it’s the first time you’re giving someone the opportunity to realise, “Oh. I actually need to do something about this.”

Because sometimes, people don’t change because they are incapable of changing.

Sometimes, they don’t change because they have never had to.

And sometimes, as uncomfortable as it is to admit…

we are the reason they never have to.

See you tomorrow with something new!

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