The current you matters

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Lillie – Medium

I don’t want to write this book because I have figured life out. Actually, I am writing it because I haven’t.

I’m twenty-three. I am a daughter. A firstborn. A sister. A woman in love. A dreamer. A writer. Sometimes a leader. Sometimes a complete mess.

I have been writing since I was eight years old, so perhaps writing has always been the place where I can tell the truth without having to make it beautiful first.

I have spent a lot of my life trying to understand myself. Why am I so sensitive? Why do I feel everything so deeply? Why can I be incredibly caring one day and terribly self-centered another? Why can I understand other people’s emotions so easily but become completely confused by my own? Why do I want to be successful so badly? Why do I care so much about how I look, how I behave, how people see me? Why do I sometimes become angry when what I really need is to cry? Why do I want to be independent when, secretly, I sometimes just want someone to take care of me? And why do I keep thinking I need to become a better version of myself before I am allowed to love the version standing here now?

Maybe I don’t. Maybe I was never supposed to become somebody else. Maybe I am supposed to become more myself. Not perfect. Not endlessly kind. Not endlessly productive. Not endlessly beautiful. Not endlessly calm. Just more honest. More patient. More awake. More responsible for the way I treat people. More gentle with myself.

And more willing to say: This is who I am today. I can love her. And I can still help her grow.

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