What nobody calls toxic

Come back tomorrow for a new post!

Read more from the original author:
Tara – Medium

The Things Nobody Calls Toxic

Maybe toxicity doesn’t always look like something you can point at.

Maybe sometimes, it looks like an ordinary Tuesday at home.

People talk about toxic parents as if toxicity has to be dramatic.

They imagine extreme situations. Huge fights. Obviously cruel behavior. Things that are easy to recognize from the outside.

But what about the smaller things?

The things that happen so often that you eventually stop explaining them to anyone?

The things that sound ridiculous when you say them out loud, but somehow feel enormous when you’re living through them?

I think that’s the part nobody talks about.

Even Getting Ready Can Become a Disaster

Take something as simple as getting ready for an occasion.

You’d think it would be fun.

You’re trying on clothes. Fixing your hair. Maybe putting a little effort into how you look because, for once, you’re going somewhere special.

But suddenly, someone is knocking on the door.

And then again.

And again.

Because apparently, closing your door isn’t privacy. It’s suspicious.

You can’t just have ten minutes to yourself without someone asking what you’re doing.

And if you’re a teenager, somehow wanting privacy can be interpreted as attitude.

You don’t necessarily want to hide anything.

You just want a door between you and everyone else for five minutes.

That’s it.

Yet even that can turn into an argument.

And eventually, you stop asking for privacy because you already know what the answer will be.

Apparently, Being a Teenager Means Having No Feelings

There’s another strange expectation that comes with being a teenager:

You’re old enough to be responsible for everything, but apparently not old enough to have feelings about anything.

You’re expected to understand everyone’s emotions.

Your parents are tired? Understand them.

Your sibling is upset? Understand them.

Someone else made a mistake? Don’t make it worse.

But when you’re upset?

"You’re just being dramatic."

When you’re angry?

"You’re a teenager. What do you even know?"

When something hurts you?

"Stop overreacting."

And sometimes, you aren’t even asking for a solution.

You just want someone to acknowledge that something hurt.

And Then There Are the Words

This is where things get complicated.

Parents get angry.

Teenagers get angry too.

Families argue.

Not every argument means a family is toxic.

But words still matter.

If a parent calls their child something hurtful in anger, and the child eventually snaps back, suddenly the entire conversation can become about the child’s reaction.

You remember what you said.

They remember what you said.

But somehow, what started the argument disappears.

And you find yourself wondering:

Was I wrong for reacting, or was I wrong for being hurt in the first place?

Sometimes both people can behave badly.

But being a parent doesn’t make hurtful words stop being hurtful.

The Mistake Doesn’t Even Have to Be Yours

One of the strangest things about growing up in a strict household is realizing that sometimes you’re being yelled at for something you didn’t even do.

Your sibling makes a mistake.

You’re there.

You get shouted at too.

Something goes wrong in the house.

Everyone is angry.

It doesn’t really matter who caused it anymore.

Someone has to absorb the frustration.

And you learn something from that.

Not necessarily the lesson your parents intended to teach.

You learn to become alert.

You learn to listen to footsteps.

You learn to recognize someone’s tone of voice.

You learn when it’s better to stay quiet.

You learn how to avoid becoming the next target of an argument.

And eventually, you become really good at reading the atmosphere of your own home.

The Problem Is That None of These Things Sound Serious Individually

That’s what makes this so difficult to explain.

How do you tell someone you’re exhausted because you haven’t had privacy without sounding ungrateful?

How do you explain that constant yelling has affected you when someone says,

"Every parent yells."

How do you explain that being constantly criticized hurts when the response is,

"We’re only trying to make you better."

How do you explain that you don’t feel heard when everyone tells you that you’re too young to understand?

Each incident sounds small.

But life isn’t made of isolated incidents.

It’s made of patterns.

That comment.

That argument.

One invasion of privacy.

Those comparison.

That unnecessary yell.

One insult said in anger.

The one apology that never comes.

The feelings dismissed.

And then another.

And another.

Until eventually, you aren’t reacting to just today’s argument anymore.

You’re reacting to all the arguments that came before it.

Maybe That’s the Part Adults Don’t See

A teenager can love their parents and still be hurt by them.

Those two things aren’t opposites.

You can appreciate everything your parents have done for you and still wish they would speak to you differently.

You can understand why they’re strict and still feel suffocated by it.

You can know that they want the best for you and still wish they would listen to what you think is best for you sometimes.

And you can be grateful for your family without pretending that everything inside the family is perfect.

I think teenagers are often expected to choose between two extremes:

"My parents are amazing, and I have no right to complain."

or

"My parents are horrible, and I hate them."

But real life isn’t that simple.

Sometimes you love people who hurt you.

Sometimes people who love you still hurt you.

And sometimes the hardest thing to admit is that both can be true at the same time.

So, Are Strict Parents Toxic?

I don’t think every strict parent is toxic.

Rules aren’t toxic.

Boundaries aren’t toxic.

Parents worrying about their children isn’t toxic.

Even arguments aren’t automatically toxic.

But when control replaces trust, when humiliation replaces discipline, when yelling replaces communication, when privacy is treated like rebellion, and when a teenager’s feelings are constantly dismissed simply because they’re a teenager...

I think it’s worth asking whether we’re still talking about discipline.

Or whether we’ve crossed a line.

Because maybe toxicity isn’t always the huge thing everyone warns you about.

Maybe sometimes, it’s the accumulation of tiny things.

The things you can’t easily prove.

The things nobody thinks are "bad enough."

The things that make you say "It’s fine" so many times that eventually, you don’t even know whether it is.

And maybe that’s why we need to talk about them.

Not to label every imperfect parent as toxic.

Not to turn every family argument into a diagnosis.

But to acknowledge something teenagers have been trying to say for a long time:

Small things can hurt too.

And just because something is normal in a household doesn’t necessarily mean it is healthy.

See you tomorrow with something new!

Cool infos from the sidebar:

-You can share your work in the blog for more people to see it!

-You can join the Discord group to get notified through there or talk to me and other friendly people