You're always almost there

 Come back tomorrow for a new post!

Read more from the original author:
ray – Medium

I think I’m addicted to becoming someone,

not someone that famous,

not necessarily someone extraordinary.

Just someone I can look at and think, yeah, I’ve made it.

For a long time, I thought I knew what that person looked like.

He was smart. Good looking. Confident. He had a girlfriend he loved, and people wanted to be around him. He had a cool circle, played basketball, made music, dressed well, had money in his pocket, and somehow always seemed to be moving forward.

And for a while, I think I was becoming him.

I was the kind of kid people called a prodigy. A little awkward, maybe, but there was always this feeling that I had potential. That I was going somewhere.

Growing up didn’t necessarily make me less intelligent. If anything, I became more capable in other ways. I became more confident. I started taking care of myself. I played basketball. I became more comfortable in my own skin. My life started looking more and more like the life I had imagined for myself.

And then, for a moment, everything seemed to line up.

The relationship. The friends. The hobbies. The clothes. The money. The feeling that people liked having me around.

It felt like I had reached the top of something.

I remember thinking, consciously or not,

This is it.

Maybe this is what success feels like.

But I think that was the problem.

I started believing that being successful meant being at the peak.

And peaks are cruel.

Because eventually, you come down.

College didn’t turn out the way I imagined. Things I thought would last didn’t. Relationships ended. Money became harder. The version of my life that once felt so complete slowly became something I could only remember.

And now, sometimes, I finish doing something I consider insignificant and sit there wondering,

How did I get here?

It’s strange.

Because I don’t think I necessarily miss every single thing I had.

I miss the feeling of knowing where I was going.

I miss believing that I was becoming someone.

Maybe that’s why almosts hurt me so much.

An almost relationship.

An almost career.

An almost dream.

Almost is different from never.

Never gives you nothing to imagine.

Almost gives you an entire alternate life.

You can see it.

You can imagine how it would’ve felt if things had worked. You can imagine the person you would’ve become. You can replay the decisions, the timing, the conversations, wondering if one tiny thing had gone differently.

And the worst part is knowing that you weren’t completely delusional for believing it could happen.

You were close.

Close enough to believe you deserved it.

Close enough for other people to believe it too.

I’ve noticed something about myself because of this.

Whenever something ends, part of me wants to find something new.

A new person.

A new goal.

A new version of myself.

Something to chase.

Something that gives me the feeling that I’m leveling up again.

I used to think that meant I was ambitious.

Maybe I am.

But sometimes I wonder if ambition is only part of it.

Maybe I’m just afraid of standing still.

Because when I’m moving, improving, learning, becoming better, I don’t have to ask myself whether the person I am right now is enough.

I can always say,

not yet.

I’ll be better later.

I’ll be smarter later.

I’ll be richer later.

I’ll become more attractive, more talented, more successful, more loved.

Later.

Later.

Later.

I’ve always loved seeing potential in people too.

I like helping people become better versions of themselves. I like seeing someone discover that they’re capable of more than they thought.

Maybe that’s because I recognize something familiar in them.

The belief that there’s always another level.

Another version.

Another mountain.

But lately I’ve been wondering what happens when there isn’t one.

Or maybe more accurately,

what happens when I stop measuring my life by how close I am to the next peak?

Maybe I’m not addicted to almost.

Maybe I’m addicted to becoming.

And maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever had to learn is that becoming better and being worthy aren’t the same thing.

I don’t know if I’m at my peak anymore.

Honestly, I don’t even know if I know what my peak is supposed to look like.

Maybe that’s a good thing.

Because if I spend my entire life trying to return to the person I was at my highest point, I’ll never notice the person I’m becoming now.

Maybe I don’t need to become someone extraordinary.

Maybe I just need to become someone I can live with.

Someone who can lose things without becoming lost.

Someone who can fail without deciding that failure is an identity.

Someone who can look at an unfinished life and still call it a life worth living.

I still want to get better.

I still want to level up.

I still want the dream, the career, the love, the money, the applause.

I’m not going to pretend I don’t.

But maybe I don’t have to earn my right to exist by constantly becoming someone else.

Maybe, for once,

I can just be here.

And see what happens next.

See you tomorrow with something new!

Cool infos from the sidebar:

-You can share your work in the blog for more people to see it!

-You can join the Discord group to get notified through there or talk to me and other friendly people