I need to take a break sometimes
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After the graduation assessment, I spent more time in reflection, writing stories on wattpad, watching Korean dramas (but during watching I’m not only watching as an audience but also as a writer or sutradara) cause I need that for references to my story.
I do just about anything, even little things, like reading new articles on Google Chrome home page, reading stories or articles in Substack, scrolling through tiktok every now and then, and looking for other ideas. Then I started to write whatever I want to get rid of my overthinking on Medium. I workout, clean my room and create footage content videos for my instagram. I try these things to feel alive. I should go see a psychologist, but before that, I need to do anything to make me aware of my surroundings.
By doing that, I feel responsible for it. Sometimes, I feel like taking small things for granted, things that even make me uncomfortable. But on the other side, there are some things that make me procrastinate, because they keep echoing in my mind. I realize that I need to see a psychologist, but I don’t have the money for a consultation yet. Before this plan came up, I had already consulted with one and asked about the cost and some of the possible symptoms.
Sometimes, I feel it’s okay to take a short break while doing things I want or hope to do. For instance, teaching a class or working as an instructor. Furthermore, I prepare materials, write, read, clean my room, do laundry, and wash dishes. But on the other hand, I’ve gone so far as to forget to take care of myself, like rarely taking a shower or even neglecting the little things that make me lose motivation to get dressed up.
It’s easy to imagine that if my problems were going well or even if I didn't have money problems at all, I’d definitely be happy. So, until then, I need to figure out how to deal with my financial problems. I’ve also distanced myself from social media and cut back on my interactions there. That’s helped me focus a little more on my problems and enjoy this quiet time.
Sometimes, I also feel guilty when I’m not doing anything or just looking for a job. But on the other side, I feel relieved, because I’m still trying to do whatever I want and hope for. This might be difficult for everyone, but for me, the important thing is to get my sleep back to a normal schedule. Because while I was in college, I almost always stayed up until 12:00 a.m., and sometimes even went to sleep at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. However, after my final exams, when I decided to go home instead of looking for or taking a job, my sleep schedule returned to normal going to bed by 11:00 p.m. or, at the latest, midnight.
I looked at myself with a sense of relief, as if I could finally breathe freely. It was such a relief. Because before that, I had a really hard time doing all the things that kept me healthy and prevented me from feeling crazy and almost depressed. That’s because most of my time was spent doing laundry at the dorm, cooking, washing dishes, working on assignments, and pursuing my hobbies as a form of therapy to relieve stress. So, when I let those things get in the way of achieving my goals, even though I was still trying to be consistent, the fact is, multitasking just isn’t my thing, but I kept doing it anyway.
After exercising, cooking, and doing little things I couldn’t do before, I feel relieved, even though in reality I’m still facing financial problems and haven’t achieved any of my goals yet. But step by step, I’m confident I can do it. Sometimes, I feel like I’m drowning in my problems, as if I’m romanticizing them, but then I tackle them one by one by staying active, pursuing my hobbies, or catching up on overdue tasks. It sounds simple, but for someone dealing with depression, facing all of that isn’t easy.
Note from H. Tayrone:
There's something just so relaxing about reading a text like this sometimes. It's great!
See you tomorrow with something new!
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